After Gwyneth Paltrow, Apple’s mom, confirmed that Beyonce gave birth to a darling little Capricorn girl named after a crayon and a plant, my brain started twirling. I am not one to talk really, I named my daughter Marigold after a plant and I actually kind of like Blue Ivy’s name. I am pretty sure Bey and Gwyn’s famous kids will be fine (I think), but what about the rest of the oddly, originally or bizarrely named babies out there? According to research conducted by a German dating website, eDarling, your baby’s too low or highbrow name might lead to low self-esteem, less opportunities, less education and a higher chance of picking up those nasty cancer sticks and puffing their braincells away in college.
I know, I feel bad for those little kiddos too, but I am not talking about the ones with unusual ethnic names or family names. After all, my Korean husband and babydaddy’s name is Gunil, and he has an Ivy league education, a fancy job, and a hot trophy wife (I kid). I’m zeroing in on the baby names where the parents were trying to be uber-cool or make a statement.
Take the mom I met at a local watering hole near Berkeley, California this summer. My daughter was frolicking, chasing ducks and even met two little girls to play with. Their mom was a yuppie type, but nice enough. After we exchanged pleasantries, I asked about her girls, their names, school, ages and and whatnot. It was then that I realized I probably was not going to be friend’s with the mom. You see, she named one of her kids Alcatraz and the other Beowulf. Their nicknames? Bey and Traz.
After she told me this, I could tell that she was dying to tell me WHY she picked those names. It was the longest five seconds ever. But I didn’t. I just could not give her attention for this. Long story short, we didn’t set up any play dates after that.
Maybe I’m being a little unfair, I admit. I named my daughter after the song lyrics of a gay opera singer, and I think the story makes me sound pretty cool. But for moms who have the urge to give their babes a wacky name, here’s a proposition: maybe you should change our own name, too. Test the name out on yourself for a couple months before you make your kid do it for the rest of their lives. So if “Hi, my name is Pilot Inspector (or Exodus Target, or Peaches Buttercup or Bluebelle Madonna)” doesn’t work out when you’re making a career change, running for office, or trying to rent an apartment, think twice. Instead, save it for the middle name. When your child enters kindergarten, give him the choice of going by his middle or first name: “Sweetie, do you want to be called Billy or Spartacus?” Who knows, Spartacus might be awesome if your kid is outgoing and headed to film school (or the military). But better play it safe if he’s a shy, bookworm, or a lover, not a fighter.